July 20th

Marshmallows_4500Every day last week I checked at the grocery store after work to see if they had received a shipment of Happy-Dappy Orchard Farms Super Fruit-Cups. The shelf-space that previously held them has been re-purposed. It has been replaced by extremely large bags of ‘Industrial Sized Mega Freedom Marshmallows’. They are big enough that they look like they could be used as a form of bedding.

It had not occurred to me at that point that I should perhaps speak to a retail sales representative. I did. The man I spoke to looked like he hadn’t slept in a long time, and his name-tag said ‘Ian’. I asked Ian when we could expect another quantity of Happy-Dappy Orchard Farms Super Fruit-Cups, as they are the only kind I like and I really like them and I need to have them or it will be really bad and I truly hoped he understood because I really like fruit cups.

He asked me to stop yelling, and I apologized because I didn’t realize I was yelling, even though several people had stopped and were staring. Ian took a few steps back and said he would fetch a manager. I don’t recall anything after that.

Next thing I remember I was in the managers office drinking a glass of water and being asked repeatedly ‘if I was okay’ by an overweight, kind-faced man who said he was the general manager.

I was informed that the Happy-Dappy Orchard Farms Super Fruit-Cups are still in stock and had been relocated to aisle fourteen.

I don’t remember getting home, but I now have thirty-five six-packs of fruit cups which should last for a little while. I purchased all of the ones they had in stock, including the ones they had in stocking room in the back.

I do not like marshmallows.

April 12th

magnetic numbersThe defective water cooler in the office was removed and has not been replaced. Perhaps I submitted the incorrect form.

I drank a glass of water from the faucet. It still tastes a lot like a swimming pool. Barbara, my former colleague, saw me in the kitchen and angrily said “I hope you’re happy now,” before walking away. I’m not sure what she was referring to. I considered if I was happy or not.

When I got home after work I wrote up a list of things that make me happy as I felt I should be able to answer this question in case Barbara suggests it again. I put a lot of thought into the list. It took me until 2 o’clock in the morning to complete.

My list has three items on it. They are as follows:

1) Fruit cups.

2) Fridge magnets. They are extremely useful in keeping important information secured where I will most likely see it, like my home phone number. I have a collection of four fridge magnets in a variety of designs; a purple fish with googly eyes, a palm tree with the words ‘FLORDIA’ written on it (I believe this to be a misspelling), one in the shape of the number ‘4’, and one with a white background and the words ‘FRIDGE MAGNET’ written on it. The last one is my favorite as it will be useful if I develop dementia.

3) The letter E. I feel it is important to like things that are popular and it is the most popular letter in the English alphabet.

When I was young I used to like swimming pools. On one visit I lost my braces. Later on, something got jammed into a water intake, making it clog and causing the pump to overheat and inexplicably set on fire. The swimming pool had to be evacuated for safety reasons.

The cause of the fire was later found to have been my braces. I was asked not to come back.