April 12th

magnetic numbersThe defective water cooler in the office was removed and has not been replaced. Perhaps I submitted the incorrect form.

I drank a glass of water from the faucet. It still tastes a lot like a swimming pool. Barbara, my former colleague, saw me in the kitchen and angrily said “I hope you’re happy now,” before walking away. I’m not sure what she was referring to. I considered if I was happy or not.

When I got home after work I wrote up a list of things that make me happy as I felt I should be able to answer this question in case Barbara suggests it again. I put a lot of thought into the list. It took me until 2 o’clock in the morning to complete.

My list has three items on it. They are as follows:

1) Fruit cups.

2) Fridge magnets. They are extremely useful in keeping important information secured where I will most likely see it, like my home phone number. I have a collection of four fridge magnets in a variety of designs; a purple fish with googly eyes, a palm tree with the words ‘FLORDIA’ written on it (I believe this to be a misspelling), one in the shape of the number ‘4’, and one with a white background and the words ‘FRIDGE MAGNET’ written on it. The last one is my favorite as it will be useful if I develop dementia.

3) The letter E. I feel it is important to like things that are popular and it is the most popular letter in the English alphabet.

When I was young I used to like swimming pools. On one visit I lost my braces. Later on, something got jammed into a water intake, making it clog and causing the pump to overheat and inexplicably set on fire. The swimming pool had to be evacuated for safety reasons.

The cause of the fire was later found to have been my braces. I was asked not to come back.

April 5th

eagleThe water cooler has been replaced. I did not see the person who replaced the cooler, but I hope they retrieved the plastic lever. I don’t know if they bother to repair them, but perhaps they can glue it back on. The new cooler has a label on the side that says “Guaranteed Fresh and Cold Every Time”.

The water that comes out of the new cooler is a strange orange color, smells strange and is not cold. As I was investigating this by removing the cover to discover the source of the issue, Tony, my supervisor walked by. He asked me why I was ‘intent on destroying the cooler’. I said I wasn’t and it was just because the water was a funny color. He told me to leave it alone, and walked away. He had a facial expression like someone in the vicinity had passed gas and he was determined to locate the culprit.

I completed the following forms:
#B-5673-01 – Water Cooler Contents Failure – Water Discoloration
#B-5672-37 – Water Cooler Mechanical Failure – Uncooled Water.

Completing the forms took 90 minutes. They are extremely detailed, including specifying which cooler is malfunctioning, even though there is only one cooler in the office.

I was almost run over by a car this morning. The car was a bright blue color and they must have been in a hurry because they did not stop to see if I was okay after the incident.┬áThe car had a large bumper sticker that said ‘AMERICA FOR AMERICANS’ and showed a picture of a large bird who looked upset about something.

The sticker neglected to mention tourists, immigrants and other visitors. It could have said ‘AMERICA FOR AMERICANS AND SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE AS WELL’, but they probably ran out of space on the label.