May 27th

I am feeling slightly better and so will be able to return to the grocery store to do my own grocery shopping. I am glad because my attempt to use the grocery delivery service Munch-A-Bunch resulted in some of my grocery order being dropped off to a similar address as mine, but in Ohio. I do not live in Ohio. My second attempt resulted in me receiving 252 (21 dozen) eggs and nothing else from my requested items.

I do not know what I will do the eggs. I cannot eat all of them and they also give me a rash on my chest when I eat them. My allergic reaction to them has not been more severe than that, although I’ve heard that some allergic reactions to eggs can cause swelling in the throat, leading to death by asphyxiation, and I cannot die at the moment because I have to pay my phone bill.

Given this possibility, and my recent illness, I have finished writing down the details of my will. I have decided to leave Kenneth, my goldfish, all my worldly belongings. Without him having the power of speech I couldn’t make him the executor of my wishes, but I’m sure someone will tidy up the apartment after I am dead. However I will likely live longer than Kenneth, in which case I will revise my will.

That said, I read in my book ‘Care and Maintenance of your Goldfish‘ that the average life-span of a goldfish is approximately 3 to 5 years. Kenneth is now considerably older than that and as of yet has shown no sign of aging. The book also states that while 3-5 years is the normal life expectancy inside a standard goldfish bowl, they can live up to 15 years when placed in a larger tank.

I cannot currently afford a larger tank so I am considering migrating him to the bathtub, although his views will be severely diminished and in addition I will be forced to bathe in the sink. I don’t think that will be a problem as I can always place a towel on the floor and do my best not to slip.