April 24th

It appears I have contracted some form of illness that prevents me from moving much further than the bathroom and my bed and makes my face feel much larger than I think it actually is. I wonder if any other people are suffering from a similar ailment, but I am not sure. I do not participate in any ‘social media’ outlets as the registering process involves extensive questions about my social life which often causes migraines. If there is a general cold going around I hope it goes away quickly.

Due to this illness I have not eaten in several days and I don’t have any food in the house other than an onion which has begun a concerted effort to sprout several other onions.

I also have Spam and bread, but that is for Kenneth and I do not wish to diminish his food supplies.

However, I have found a new application on my phone called ‘CrudFuds’ that allows me to order food and have it delivered to my own house. I installed it and then it asked me what kind of food I like to eat. There was no option for ‘fruit cups’. I typed in ‘healthy food’ and it recommended a small local restaurant. This restaurant described every meal in the form of “how much suffering it caused in real-time to a human or animal” and so I decided not to order from there.

I decided on a ham sandwich but it is difficult to find somewhere that just sells ham sandwiches. The only option was a place named ‘XTREME SANDWICHES’ which made my headache worse. The menu was very aggressive and was written in capital letters. The closest thing to a ham sandwich was something called a ‘PULVERIZED PIG BBQ DEATHWICH’. The description read “XPERIENCE THE ULTIMATE SANDWICH: 2 POUNDS OF DEAD PIG TOPPED WITH OUR SIGNATURE CILANTRO CHIPOTLE UBERMACHO-MAYONAISSE SUPER-SAUCE GUARANTEED TO….” and it went on to make associations between the sandwich and the perceived masculinity of the reader, and their affection for firearms.

I decided to order a lemonade soda and a cookie instead. The order took three hours to arrive.

I had fallen asleep when the order was delivered and when I went to retrieve it, some birds had eaten most of the cookie and the soda was gone. I decided to go back to bed.