January 15th

I feel it is necessary to document my New Year Resolutions. Last year I completed 4 out of the 148 I had written down. Admittedly, hoping I could clean the oven and arrange my collection of mushroom soup cans into chronological best-before dates, was a little optimistic.

Here is my list:

1) Clean the oven.

2) Remove lint from soap. I don’t use the soap anymore, I use body wash, but it would look nicer if it didn’t have hair in it.

3) Find alternate source of food for Kenneth, my goldfish, other than spam sandwiches.

4) Think about buying a microwave. I don’t think I’ll buy one this year, I just want to prepare myself for eventually considering it.

5) Talk to landlady about her bridge game evenings. Her guests are quite loud. The other week I was woken at 4am by the sound of someone yelling “I’ll kill you, you sunuvabitch… I might be 82 years old, but if you think you’re getting away with cheating, I swear to Christ I’ll shove-” at which point I placed my ear plugs in.

6) See the doctor about the mole on my chest. I think there is something wrong with it. A single hair grows exceptionally quickly out of it, well ahead of the others in the vicinity. I don’t think it is normal and I would like to request permanent removal of the hair as it makes the mole unsightly.

7) Arrange my mushroom soup cans into chronological best-before dates.

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