April 5th

eagleThe water cooler has been replaced. I did not see the person who replaced the cooler, but I hope they retrieved the plastic lever. I don’t know if they bother to repair them, but perhaps they can glue it back on. The new cooler has a label on the side that says “Guaranteed Fresh and Cold Every Time”.

The water that comes out of the new cooler is a strange orange color, smells strange and is not cold. As I was investigating this by removing the cover to discover the source of the issue, Tony, my supervisor walked by. He asked me why I was ‘intent on destroying the cooler’. I said I wasn’t and it was just because the water was a funny color. He told me to leave it alone, and walked away. He had a facial expression like someone in the vicinity had passed gas and he was determined to locate the culprit.

I completed the following forms:
#B-5673-01 – Water Cooler Contents Failure – Water Discoloration
#B-5672-37 – Water Cooler Mechanical Failure – Uncooled Water.

Completing the forms took 90 minutes. They are extremely detailed, including specifying which cooler is malfunctioning, even though there is only one cooler in the office.

I was almost run over by a car this morning. The car was a bright blue color and they must have been in a hurry because they did not stop to see if I was okay after the incident. The car had a large bumper sticker that said ‘AMERICA FOR AMERICANS’ and showed a picture of a large bird who looked upset about something.

The sticker neglected to mention tourists, immigrants and other visitors. It could have said ‘AMERICA FOR AMERICANS AND SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE AS WELL’, but they probably ran out of space on the label.

March 12th

office chairToday I heard swearing from the cafeteria. Apparently someone had not read the note regarding my temporary repairs to the water cooler, and removed the pen which served as the lever, partially flooding the kitchen.

My supervisor Tony called me into his office and informed me I was being written up for willfully damaging company property by stabbing a water cooler with a pen. I tried to explain that I had, in fact, attempted a repair upon the already broken cooler.

My supervisor paused, and asked:

“With a pen?”

I nodded. He shook his head and continued filling out an large, important looking form, whilst saying that dishonesty was frowned upon in this company and that I would be expected to cover the cost of the cooler. He also said that he was ‘very disappointed at my actions’, and it was a sign of ‘low intellect and immaturity’ that I signed my name at the scene of the vandalism ‘in order to gain further attention’.

I did not wish to cause further disagreement and simply nodded and left his office.

I do not remember getting back to my desk.

Before I went home, someone mentioned that several pictures had been broken in the hallway. I do not understand why people wish to break things for no reason. I especially liked the art along that hallway, as they were photographs of various office chairs.

When I got home, I counted my refrigerator supplies. I need to purchase more fruit cups. I only have thirty-two remaining.