February 5th

I was fired from my job yesterday.

Being fired was confusing. I was called into the office with a representative from H.R. The representative was Mrs Flagrouche who I believe has not forgiven me for accidentally breaking the company projector some years ago despite my many emails.

I was told I was being ‘let go’, which sounded a lot like someone who has lost the grip on a pet dog. Dogs have always made me slightly nervous as they always seem extremely happy. I didn’t say anything, and eventually Tony asked me for my badge. I told him I didn’t have one. He said I did and I told him I didn’t and he said I did and I said I didn’t and then there was a lot of quietness again. He asked how I had gotten into the building for so long and I replied that I had pushed the door open and asked him if I should have used another entrance. He was quiet for a long time again. I remember gripping the pen in my pocket very tightly. It’s a blue pen with little bumps on the finger grip and I like that a lot because my finger doesn’t slip when I am writing on work documents.

Both Mrs Flagrouche and Tony looked at me like they were waiting for me to say something. I said I thought that the lack of toilet paper in the bathrooms still needed to be resolved, and without myself working it, that it likely wouldn’t be resolved and therefore I don’t think I could be fired. Tony responded by saying that he’d never found a use for me that couldn’t be resolved by some form of “motivated lint” to which Mrs Flagrouche nodded vigorously but also told Tony that he may have said an inappropriate comment.

I was told I had been provided a ‘competitive separation package’. I was passed a large shiny envelope, within which was a letter saying I was fired, a $45 Bangin’ Bagels gift card and an employment tax certificate, which was nice. As I left the office Tony looked like he was either smiling, or constipated. I have always wondered if he needed more fiber in his diet because he smiles like that a lot. I went to shake his hand but he just looked at it and walked away.

I was told to clear out my desk. Tim from Accounting, who is very large, accompanied me as I packed up my collection of napkins and teaspoons I had brought from home. I did not bring a bag into work today because I had found small amounts of mold in the base of it and was awaiting a fumigation chemical from Rainforest.shop to be delivered.

Everything after that is a little blurry. I took a bus home. I remember the corridor outside my apartment smelled like gravy. The clock said 10:45 am. I sat down in my chair. I like that chair because it is painted white and it doesn’t creak like the chairs I remember from when I was a child.

I sent Tony an email reminding him to make sure he consumed more fiber in his diet. I then went to bed.

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