March 9th

bread clipOn Tuesday, the small plastic clip that was provided with my pack of bagels snapped and I did not have any means of securing it to prevent the bagels from going stale. I decided against using a binder clip from office supplies as I was concerned about being written up for incorrect use of office supplies under Provision 18-34#5 of the employee handbook.

When the plastic clip snapped it pinged off into my eyeball and now it hurts and won’t stop watering. Shortly after the incident, my co-worker asked me what I was crying about and I explained the situation. I think he believed me.

I decided to pin down the opening of the bag of bagels under a can of Budget Brand Lo-Fat No-Beans Turkey Chili. The can has been there for at least seven years so I am confident it can be relied upon to secure my bagels.

Later during Tuesday I was summoned into an office on the 14th floor to have a meeting with the ‘Corporate Emotions Councilor’ to discuss an emotional outburst as reported by a fellow member of staff. The councilor was a short, portly, nicely dressed lady, with an understanding face that she sometimes cocked to the side like a dog who looks confused. She explained that this meeting was completely confidential between myself, her and any member of the Shankles & Associates management team who submitted the correct request paperwork.

I began the interview by explaining that I wasn’t actually having an emotional outburst and in fact it was because the piece of plastic that was being used to secure my bagels had pinged into my eyeball and caused a watery eye problem.

She seemed to ignore this and told me I could talk about what was bothering me, that I could discuss any of my ‘deep rooted concerns and thoughts’. I thought about this for a long time. I did not realize until then that humans have pulse-points in their eyebrows.

After a few minutes of thinking, I spoke. I said that I felt it was a big concern that there wasn’t enough spare toilet paper in the bathrooms, but that I couldn’t speak to the supply in the ladies bathrooms as I haven’t been in there apart from that one time when someone swapped the signs around.

She looked at me strangely and told me I should return next week for a follow-up visit. The appointment lasted five minutes.

On Wednesday, someone took the can of Budget Brand Lo-Fat No-Beans Turkey Chili that was being used to close the bag of bagels, and now my bagels have become tough and stale.

I toasted them anyway.  They hurt my teeth when I ate them. As I threw away my paper plate into the trash, I noticed the empty can of chili. I do not think that it was safe to eat that and I hope whoever did is okay.

My eyeball hurts a lot. Maybe I will go blind. I hope I don’t go blind, as I use a computer screen at work and I need to see the screen to do my job.

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