January 18th

I used the last of Bob’s special coffee today.

It had a particularly strong taste – a taste I have come to strangely enjoy – and a strong odor. The odor was strong enough that Dave from Invoicing stopped by and said ‘Ello mon, someone in ‘ere smokin’ da ganga, mon?’ and laughed and walked on. I don’t know what he meant but I think it was racist. I would normally report it… but I don’t really care.

Even writing that seems strange.

Today, between replacing the ‘on’ button that had been stolen from a printer, and constructing a small fort out of old disused monitors in the company server room, I contemplated that a satisfactory existence probably depends on a degree of humility. The acceptance of a balance between recognizing that whilst we are a tiny pebble hurtling through the void of space, we’re also the manifestation of nature realizing itself, a contemplative species, and that as pointless as life can seem to be, we also generate our own sense of purpose and reason, which is pretty amazing. We do the best we can with the brains we have, those battlegrounds of passion and rational thought, and although we cause pain and suffering to one another, we also always draw towards community, family and beautiful altruistic attitudes. We’re alone, and we’re lonely, and only we as humans can judge our own actions, despite the potential existence of mute gods – ultimately we applaud and condemn ourselves, and we provide our own oversight. Like a children without parents, we guide ourselves, and must make many mistakes before we mature.

I also realized that my fingernails are hilarious.Then I felt a bit sick.

I saw Dorothy in the corridor. She smiled at me. I smiled back. I felt a burning feeling in my chest. It felt good.